Walking upto the windows shut,
opened in a momentary lapse;
the sun rays shoot in,
through closed lace curtains
of pale pure white and
intensify the wistful red
of my dress that flutters in
the trickling breeze like
gypsies tamed, while he
sleeps.
The light brightens,
glorifying the shades of my
dark dull skin,the reflection
like a never before appearance
and the light moves down in
gentle reassurance like the
experienced hand of tender touch
with its intention luminous,
desire stark and he sleeps,
unsuspecting.
My hair in electrified movement,
my fingers clutch the windows for
support and the wind blows, imprisoning
itself in me as I move to make
space for a multiplying spell that
binds me in dependable illusion..
I shut the windows and the darkness
storms in. He wakes for a cup of
coffee.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Desert(ed) to Glory. (Journeys 2)
A mirage that is alluring
like the deception of magic;
it vanishes when I move forth
and reappears like playful spirits.
And each time I stand up
to walk after the bluff, this
apparition calls unto me
to only fade in the sands.
A weary traveller, where am I?
In this destination that eludes me.
A million nights, dusty days
bumpy rides and weariness
and this journey goes on..
In the cities I dream of men
with aplomb, riches, jewels a
ton of fanfare with life on
the fast lane. It is the
progressive sentience..
Ah but in the cities I was
blinded from the crux,
from hardships and restraints.In the
cities the dearth is forever covered.
I search for wisdom that
for centuries mankind has scorned,
shunned as if it were unclassified waste
that has now piled up and left us a pile
of questions.
This civilisation of carnal developments
fails to sway me.And I move towards
the miragethat will
at one sun set become
mine.
like the deception of magic;
it vanishes when I move forth
and reappears like playful spirits.
And each time I stand up
to walk after the bluff, this
apparition calls unto me
to only fade in the sands.
A weary traveller, where am I?
In this destination that eludes me.
A million nights, dusty days
bumpy rides and weariness
and this journey goes on..
In the cities I dream of men
with aplomb, riches, jewels a
ton of fanfare with life on
the fast lane. It is the
progressive sentience..
Ah but in the cities I was
blinded from the crux,
from hardships and restraints.In the
cities the dearth is forever covered.
I search for wisdom that
for centuries mankind has scorned,
shunned as if it were unclassified waste
that has now piled up and left us a pile
of questions.
This civilisation of carnal developments
fails to sway me.And I move towards
the miragethat will
at one sun set become
mine.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
A parallel World. (Jouneys-1)
A thousand snows have passed by,
in the multitudes of time.
And each sunrise with,
its ray of promise paradise has,
created the refractions
Of intense clouds that gather
a thick hull
and, we move on, like marching soldiers-
in uniform.
Deaths that cast an interlude
in the endlessness, the purposelessness
of the unthinking world;
come, fall again into this merry go round
of life and death and rebirth and survival.
As if faith matters, when truth is gamble
and if I thrive on lies, I will be damned.
A thin line between these contraries
that shapes the paradoxes of the world.
in the multitudes of time.
And each sunrise with,
its ray of promise paradise has,
created the refractions
Of intense clouds that gather
a thick hull
and, we move on, like marching soldiers-
in uniform.
Deaths that cast an interlude
in the endlessness, the purposelessness
of the unthinking world;
come, fall again into this merry go round
of life and death and rebirth and survival.
As if faith matters, when truth is gamble
and if I thrive on lies, I will be damned.
A thin line between these contraries
that shapes the paradoxes of the world.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Has it Changed?
Sometimes you believe that you know exactly what is happening. Thats what lands you in trouble. This self righteousness in most people, not only when it is concerning themselves but others as well is rather annoying. Perception obviously differs based on experience and the basic nature of a person. There was once a girl who told me she considers me her best friend when I didn't know her second name, not that it was a measure of being close. I felt sad than surprised at her understanding of friendship. But there have also been situations when I have considered myself close to people, who seemed to fall short of respecting that. It is almost always more complicated.
There are times when you know exactly what is happening but you want to push it away; to prove a point, to overcome the possibility of change, to stick to an identity based on your subjective understanding...? Maybe these factors are terrifying. In the process you are simply living in denial, hurting the genuineness of the others involved. It is a selfish act I suppose, but for me personally that is the most pardonable quality of any human. I have seen implausibly selfless people lose their sense of self esteem and self worth for constantly seeing themselves in the eyes of others. I doubt if there really exists a balance or an equality that most see as perfection. I don't think human beings are tuned to rationality. I cannot think of one close relationship that has not been through its shares of ups and downs. Closeness gives you comfort but it also creates a certain vulnerability, which is why some people are repelled with fear by the idea of being close to someone. You are opening yourself to hurt, criticism, agony and millions of questions you can't find answers to. It is quite terrifying but the idea of running away is just as cowardly.
Doesn't experience advocate for betterment,though? With experience I have learnt to ignore this side of people, thats well shielded from exposure. They have that freedom and you need to respect it. But I do wish that I didn't have to make an effort and that everything could take its natural course. Yes, perfection is a myth and ignorance is bliss!
There are times when you know exactly what is happening but you want to push it away; to prove a point, to overcome the possibility of change, to stick to an identity based on your subjective understanding...? Maybe these factors are terrifying. In the process you are simply living in denial, hurting the genuineness of the others involved. It is a selfish act I suppose, but for me personally that is the most pardonable quality of any human. I have seen implausibly selfless people lose their sense of self esteem and self worth for constantly seeing themselves in the eyes of others. I doubt if there really exists a balance or an equality that most see as perfection. I don't think human beings are tuned to rationality. I cannot think of one close relationship that has not been through its shares of ups and downs. Closeness gives you comfort but it also creates a certain vulnerability, which is why some people are repelled with fear by the idea of being close to someone. You are opening yourself to hurt, criticism, agony and millions of questions you can't find answers to. It is quite terrifying but the idea of running away is just as cowardly.
Doesn't experience advocate for betterment,though? With experience I have learnt to ignore this side of people, thats well shielded from exposure. They have that freedom and you need to respect it. But I do wish that I didn't have to make an effort and that everything could take its natural course. Yes, perfection is a myth and ignorance is bliss!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Perhaps this was going to be the last, the very last time I could see him and take him in with all my senses. The wind blew against my face. It was one of those nature's symbolisms. Or foreshadowing I suppose. I didn't believe myself to be the sad victim of a failed relationship. It happened to everyone, every other day. I wasn't going to lament and cry and present myself as someone pleading for sympathy.
Handkerchiefs were not my characteristic way of handling anything.
"Are you sure?" he said. It was once again that time when I had the liberty of choice.
There is an undeniable trust that comes when you love someone, even if it came to breaking that trust. It happened almost every time in ours. I wouldn’t want to say that I held the stakes but the fact remains that I did. I sometimes used to read self help articles on relationships, even during the course of our relationship; the do's the don’ts, the how to make a guy stick with you, the tips to life long love, and even how to find out if he is cheating on you. I read it all up and it went into my head as the most "despised" piece of knowledge I had gained. According to all those 'pieces of nothing' I was the worst partner any man could possibly have. I had done all the wrong things, used the most risky of techniques and even said those particular words that made men run straight out of even the thought of being with someone. I could have even tarnished the image of all the women in the world. So maybe he was the gem or he was plain dumb. But i highly doubt i could have stuck to a dumb guy for seven years.
We weren't married but after a point he felt like a husband. We had our initial phases of infatuated excitement. The first I love you's were meaningless. Was it even love then? But saying it simply strengthened the belief that love would follow. It did. We had our intensely passionate moments and tried to deal with them like adults. We handled the periods of monotony grumbling and wailing. We spent nights talking about what love was all about and wondering if we were actually in love. We even had uncontrollable laughing sessions. I cringed at how ugly he looked with all his 32 teeth showing. I told him. I told him that he smelt, sometimes, like a potential disposable garbage can. Never told him when he smelt good. I went on and on about how his family hated me and always would. Obviously I don’t have any regrets about that. I complained that he never stood up for me and he never supported me. I ridiculed him and tortured the sanity out of him. I made simple things complicated. But I had the power to change, undo everything in one conversation.
I felt possessive when he spoke to other girls. I felt guilty that I was becoming a compulsive girlfriend. It never mattered. I broke my head for nights together about situations that became insignificant. We had amazing career highs and lows. Friends who were curious about what kept us together eventually gave up hope. We could be miles apart and still be closer than they could imagine. What they didn't know was that we could be sitting a centimeter away from each other and feel a frightening distance creeping in between.
Every time I saw a couple I missed him. But I was glad I could miss him. He never came close to disturbing the way I best functioned. In a lot of ways, he thought, I changed his life. He changed me. He would never agree. And when he didn’t I would agree with him. I could be the strong, brave, sensible, confident woman. I was like that because it was he who was beside me. And tonight I had found the courage to walk away from all that I had built on- hope, love, success, happiness, support. I was walking into instability, criticism, questions, and loneliness.
"You trust me with this, right?" I managed to say
"I love you" he said impassively
I smiled and walked away.
Handkerchiefs were not my characteristic way of handling anything.
"Are you sure?" he said. It was once again that time when I had the liberty of choice.
There is an undeniable trust that comes when you love someone, even if it came to breaking that trust. It happened almost every time in ours. I wouldn’t want to say that I held the stakes but the fact remains that I did. I sometimes used to read self help articles on relationships, even during the course of our relationship; the do's the don’ts, the how to make a guy stick with you, the tips to life long love, and even how to find out if he is cheating on you. I read it all up and it went into my head as the most "despised" piece of knowledge I had gained. According to all those 'pieces of nothing' I was the worst partner any man could possibly have. I had done all the wrong things, used the most risky of techniques and even said those particular words that made men run straight out of even the thought of being with someone. I could have even tarnished the image of all the women in the world. So maybe he was the gem or he was plain dumb. But i highly doubt i could have stuck to a dumb guy for seven years.
We weren't married but after a point he felt like a husband. We had our initial phases of infatuated excitement. The first I love you's were meaningless. Was it even love then? But saying it simply strengthened the belief that love would follow. It did. We had our intensely passionate moments and tried to deal with them like adults. We handled the periods of monotony grumbling and wailing. We spent nights talking about what love was all about and wondering if we were actually in love. We even had uncontrollable laughing sessions. I cringed at how ugly he looked with all his 32 teeth showing. I told him. I told him that he smelt, sometimes, like a potential disposable garbage can. Never told him when he smelt good. I went on and on about how his family hated me and always would. Obviously I don’t have any regrets about that. I complained that he never stood up for me and he never supported me. I ridiculed him and tortured the sanity out of him. I made simple things complicated. But I had the power to change, undo everything in one conversation.
I felt possessive when he spoke to other girls. I felt guilty that I was becoming a compulsive girlfriend. It never mattered. I broke my head for nights together about situations that became insignificant. We had amazing career highs and lows. Friends who were curious about what kept us together eventually gave up hope. We could be miles apart and still be closer than they could imagine. What they didn't know was that we could be sitting a centimeter away from each other and feel a frightening distance creeping in between.
Every time I saw a couple I missed him. But I was glad I could miss him. He never came close to disturbing the way I best functioned. In a lot of ways, he thought, I changed his life. He changed me. He would never agree. And when he didn’t I would agree with him. I could be the strong, brave, sensible, confident woman. I was like that because it was he who was beside me. And tonight I had found the courage to walk away from all that I had built on- hope, love, success, happiness, support. I was walking into instability, criticism, questions, and loneliness.
"You trust me with this, right?" I managed to say
"I love you" he said impassively
I smiled and walked away.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
The hell bird's song
Have you heard the hell bird's song?
You can, see it, hear it like an echo;
the high pitched shrill and the low wails,
its sight like a spiralling phoenix.
Its really a bird ain't it ?
Just a harmless little thing perhaps
whose deep shrill could cut through
so the mucky blood oozes out?
The hell bird flies over us now
low, and high in its cry;
Its a bitter blue moan.
and the sap drains from the skin.
oh tell me tell me, what does it mean to say?
I think its calling, calling to us
mortals- our foolishness overwhelming
and it is helping, helping to condemn
mortal, earthly, absurd passion.
Brutal, empathising, mothering, the bird dances
through psyches. A wild dance.
It is the hell bird's dance, dancing
with desperation, and the limbs slowly crack.
Please tell me, what does it say?
It is a riddle, too complex to break.
For those already rooted in desire
what does it hold? nothing I suppose
and the hell bird sings..
Tell me before I crumble
into earth... It is painful,
tell me.I am a broken mortal. Stop me,
before I am neatly sucked into bareness.
You can, see it, hear it like an echo;
the high pitched shrill and the low wails,
its sight like a spiralling phoenix.
Its really a bird ain't it ?
Just a harmless little thing perhaps
whose deep shrill could cut through
so the mucky blood oozes out?
The hell bird flies over us now
low, and high in its cry;
Its a bitter blue moan.
and the sap drains from the skin.
oh tell me tell me, what does it mean to say?
I think its calling, calling to us
mortals- our foolishness overwhelming
and it is helping, helping to condemn
mortal, earthly, absurd passion.
Brutal, empathising, mothering, the bird dances
through psyches. A wild dance.
It is the hell bird's dance, dancing
with desperation, and the limbs slowly crack.
Please tell me, what does it say?
It is a riddle, too complex to break.
For those already rooted in desire
what does it hold? nothing I suppose
and the hell bird sings..
Tell me before I crumble
into earth... It is painful,
tell me.I am a broken mortal. Stop me,
before I am neatly sucked into bareness.
Friday, September 4, 2009
Incest.
It is not the first, yet
it feels different.
I must stop, this nonsense
that makes sense.
Red pouring out from the wall
with flushes of white and blue
how do I see this, this
that I seem to not conceive?
In the gloomy days'
and fostering nights
when diligence was paradise
I learnt from you
like an ignorant swain
an understanding, that I now regret-
the digressions of an idle mind
wanting to infiltrate into another
wanting to percuss my senses,
creating for yourself
a sham of lost adoloscence.
You devil,you monster
I wish I could blot your presence,
inflict unto you, my quandary,
trauma and anguish that I
carelessly suffered.
You vile little brute,
that knew everything
and overpowered by deliberation
bridled upon me
to desire you with lust.
Oh you disgust me,
manipulative woman.
The worlds are waiting,
to drown you in their
hurling ash.
it feels different.
I must stop, this nonsense
that makes sense.
Red pouring out from the wall
with flushes of white and blue
how do I see this, this
that I seem to not conceive?
In the gloomy days'
and fostering nights
when diligence was paradise
I learnt from you
like an ignorant swain
an understanding, that I now regret-
the digressions of an idle mind
wanting to infiltrate into another
wanting to percuss my senses,
creating for yourself
a sham of lost adoloscence.
You devil,you monster
I wish I could blot your presence,
inflict unto you, my quandary,
trauma and anguish that I
carelessly suffered.
You vile little brute,
that knew everything
and overpowered by deliberation
bridled upon me
to desire you with lust.
Oh you disgust me,
manipulative woman.
The worlds are waiting,
to drown you in their
hurling ash.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
If men had uteruses, “paternity wards” would get resources, ambulances would transport pregnant men to hospitals free of charge, deliveries would be free, and the Group of 8 industrialized nations would make paternal mortality a top priority. One of the most lethal forms of sex discrimination is this systematic inattention to reproductive health care, from family planning to childbirth — so long as those who die are impoverished, voiceless women.
-Nicholas Kristof
New york times
-Nicholas Kristof
New york times
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
The Good Night
I am going to sleep,
wish me a good night'
its been a tireless yearning
for a good good night.
The cold extends a warmth,
a warmth that would be reassuring
if you had slept beside me....
But,perhaps all i care for is a good night.
In desolation, I searched
in isolation, I did.
In the dreams you came by
and that is why, sometimes
I love the good night.
Like a bubble floating around
and leaves gliding in air
i am lost in you.....
it must be the good night.
yes, the good night.
Now,I think you have left
forever.
and then forever it will haunt me
your absence, your presence- that was,
a figment of my imagination.
I have lost the good night.
Now my thoughts stop
at this finite point
where i don't search anymore
for you, in the good night.
wish me a good night'
its been a tireless yearning
for a good good night.
The cold extends a warmth,
a warmth that would be reassuring
if you had slept beside me....
But,perhaps all i care for is a good night.
In desolation, I searched
in isolation, I did.
In the dreams you came by
and that is why, sometimes
I love the good night.
Like a bubble floating around
and leaves gliding in air
i am lost in you.....
it must be the good night.
yes, the good night.
Now,I think you have left
forever.
and then forever it will haunt me
your absence, your presence- that was,
a figment of my imagination.
I have lost the good night.
Now my thoughts stop
at this finite point
where i don't search anymore
for you, in the good night.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
A Conversation
N1- Hi(defeated tone)
N2- Wow u sound so enthu. This is so like you.
N1- aaahn
N2- ufffffff...
N1- laughter
N2- So say something interesting.
N1- like what?
N2- How am i supposed to know that?!
N1-I really don't know what you find interesting.
N2- I don't know why i am talking to you only.
N1- Come on!!!!!
N2- you and your vocabulary.This is what you'll say to escape.
N1- Ok Ok ...interesting topic. let me think.....
N1- Oh by the way how was college?
N2- haan?!!
N1- Did you put petrol in your bike?
N2- You are the height of boredom
N1- Come on!!!!
N2- Silence
N1-really?(Sad puppy tone exclusive)
N2- Ok now can u pls say something?
N1- Thinking thinking.
......................
N1- Hi(defeated tone)
N2- Wow u sound so enthu. This is so like you.
N1- aaahn
N2- ufffffff...
N1- laughter
N2- So say something interesting.
N1- like what?
N2- How am i supposed to know that?!
N1-I really don't know what you find interesting.
N2- I don't know why i am talking to you only.
N1- Come on!!!!!
N2- you and your vocabulary.This is what you'll say to escape.
N1- Ok Ok ...interesting topic. let me think.....
N1- Oh by the way how was college?
N2- haan?!!
N1- Did you put petrol in your bike?
N2- You are the height of boredom
N1- Come on!!!!
N2- Silence
N1-really?(Sad puppy tone exclusive)
N2- Ok now can u pls say something?
N1- Thinking thinking.
......................
Delirium 2
I knew you saw me,
you saw me again
and again
as if i were an angel
from nothingness
into your delusionary world.
I knew you wanted me, but
i wish you had wanted me,
wanted me like no other,
needed me like a lifeline,
from the day you saw me.
I wish you were ambushed in
my beauty like never before,
attracted to my physical
phenomenon
as much as my emotional,
for their lies in it
a depth to be exhausted.
A thirst lies in it,
unquenchable thirst that
i could keep giving you
pouring to you, keeping you
chained to me.
The world around, ridicules me
accuses me of madness!
i can only laugh at them,
their need for logic, for
understanding, for doing right
when all i see in their minds is
dirt, filled with contempt.
Who cares afterall, when, now
you are mine and i
yours?
you saw me again
and again
as if i were an angel
from nothingness
into your delusionary world.
I knew you wanted me, but
i wish you had wanted me,
wanted me like no other,
needed me like a lifeline,
from the day you saw me.
I wish you were ambushed in
my beauty like never before,
attracted to my physical
phenomenon
as much as my emotional,
for their lies in it
a depth to be exhausted.
A thirst lies in it,
unquenchable thirst that
i could keep giving you
pouring to you, keeping you
chained to me.
The world around, ridicules me
accuses me of madness!
i can only laugh at them,
their need for logic, for
understanding, for doing right
when all i see in their minds is
dirt, filled with contempt.
Who cares afterall, when, now
you are mine and i
yours?
Delirium-1
This is going to be long.
Long enough for a battle;
grisly and gruesome
with sanity splattering
everywhere.
I have travelled in hazy mists,
with shadows making a pattern.
ugly and big, they followed me
through the depths of my mind's
inter linked alleys, hollow spaces
everywhere.
I have crawled in thorny wonderlands
in pretty skirts that tore apart
and bruised my legs.
You followed me there too,
like scurrying insects
waiting to suck on naked
flesh.
Never daring to reveal your form,
your soul or your existence;
imprisoning me in you.
i searched and searched
as day after day
monsters clobbered over,
making me
claustrophobic.
In the normalcy of the day-
its soothing, analeptic
sunlight,
the exertion of routineness,
in the impossibility of
excursiveness
i made a
beginning.
The heart still abandoned,
the mind scripted formulas
for intimacy for love for longing
for support, for possessiveness
for passion, intensity, desire
all in you, just
you.
In the midst of earthly ruts
rat races and celebrated contention,
my eyes moved like a prey search
and instinctively settled upon you.
you, who i knew nothing about
you who i knew was all there was
for that moment, minute, that very
second.
Long enough for a battle;
grisly and gruesome
with sanity splattering
everywhere.
I have travelled in hazy mists,
with shadows making a pattern.
ugly and big, they followed me
through the depths of my mind's
inter linked alleys, hollow spaces
everywhere.
I have crawled in thorny wonderlands
in pretty skirts that tore apart
and bruised my legs.
You followed me there too,
like scurrying insects
waiting to suck on naked
flesh.
Never daring to reveal your form,
your soul or your existence;
imprisoning me in you.
i searched and searched
as day after day
monsters clobbered over,
making me
claustrophobic.
In the normalcy of the day-
its soothing, analeptic
sunlight,
the exertion of routineness,
in the impossibility of
excursiveness
i made a
beginning.
The heart still abandoned,
the mind scripted formulas
for intimacy for love for longing
for support, for possessiveness
for passion, intensity, desire
all in you, just
you.
In the midst of earthly ruts
rat races and celebrated contention,
my eyes moved like a prey search
and instinctively settled upon you.
you, who i knew nothing about
you who i knew was all there was
for that moment, minute, that very
second.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The elusive domestic paradise
It has been said over the years, asserted and re-asserted- every woman's dream of the perfect family. Without doubt, most women do feel this way. Perhaps its got to do with social conditioning, expectation or her very own personality.It sounds pretty cliched in the midst of feminist revolutions and women taking upper hand, coming to the forefront and blah blah. Inspite of it all,isn't that simple fairy tale a longing for every woman out there? But this idea seldom remains static for those who are hit by the reality sooner or later in life, where action replaces deceptive creation. How has it changed? Isn't this paradise still a bubble? Has this deception been partly responsible for them being influenced by pragmatism? These are only questions that can be raised over and over again. Men have in reasonable measure contributed to this. We have to thank them, show our gratitude for making us think in ways we couldn't earlier.
There is, of course the whole new dimension of the denial factor among most. While there you are in the midst of hard hitting absoluteness you are lifted, sometimes naturally, into a world of fantasy, completely believing in the fulfillment of a well developed deceitful faith. Yes it is the survival instinct because the ripple effects of shock can be quite destructive to a point where it could question trust itself. Delving too much into a discussion like this is anything but productive. So it is better to bluntly state the situation and provide ideas of overcoming to those who are actually affected by it.
The most important is to not believe all that is "said", "brainwashed" or "inappropriately thrust" onto you.These are just versions and personal experiences and in most cases, not even that. This talk is propelled by idleness or idealistic thinking banking on movies, books and impulsive inferences. Its simple enough; believe in yourself. Personally i often question as to why there are more number of love poems written by men and why they seem so melodic, beautiful and perfect. After a lot of pondering I have come to a temporary understanding that it is because different things are expected from them right throght childhood to adult life. Marriage and fatherhood are not the ultimate dreams and nor are they on the constant look out for "princess charming" Sounds funny enough, but why not? Why does it seem odd? How many men actually sit on a couch and day dream about finding love and living happily ever after? No wonder, that it is magical when it actually happens to them! They are plainly, swept off their feet. Therein lies the secret of happiness; to not expect it and also be a narcissist. Selfish and unyielding! Only cause it is your right! And it is your life. Think about yourself and everything will just fall into place!
There is, of course the whole new dimension of the denial factor among most. While there you are in the midst of hard hitting absoluteness you are lifted, sometimes naturally, into a world of fantasy, completely believing in the fulfillment of a well developed deceitful faith. Yes it is the survival instinct because the ripple effects of shock can be quite destructive to a point where it could question trust itself. Delving too much into a discussion like this is anything but productive. So it is better to bluntly state the situation and provide ideas of overcoming to those who are actually affected by it.
The most important is to not believe all that is "said", "brainwashed" or "inappropriately thrust" onto you.These are just versions and personal experiences and in most cases, not even that. This talk is propelled by idleness or idealistic thinking banking on movies, books and impulsive inferences. Its simple enough; believe in yourself. Personally i often question as to why there are more number of love poems written by men and why they seem so melodic, beautiful and perfect. After a lot of pondering I have come to a temporary understanding that it is because different things are expected from them right throght childhood to adult life. Marriage and fatherhood are not the ultimate dreams and nor are they on the constant look out for "princess charming" Sounds funny enough, but why not? Why does it seem odd? How many men actually sit on a couch and day dream about finding love and living happily ever after? No wonder, that it is magical when it actually happens to them! They are plainly, swept off their feet. Therein lies the secret of happiness; to not expect it and also be a narcissist. Selfish and unyielding! Only cause it is your right! And it is your life. Think about yourself and everything will just fall into place!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
crappology.
these are random bits and pieces of writing that i do during excruciatingly boring classes. fragmented and unconnected, dont try to make sense of them! oh no i am not trying to go the eliot way!
as the sun rises over the lowly banks
a bird song reaches miles of lands
i hear it, through day and night
a melancholic sweetness pouring consciousness
over a wistful soul.
dreams can only live as long as u sleep....snore on!
blue turtles, yellow whales and red gypsies;
they go round and round like teasing memories
belly dancing, hips shaking and eyes winking
at me
like they were mocking picking and clicking
their tongues
over my deplorable plight.
in this cocoon i sit
wounding and wounding in
an invisible shell
the head that comes out to see
you
happy and gay it moves left
and it moves right.
the cocoon dances
swaying itself from left to right!
as the sun rises over the lowly banks
a bird song reaches miles of lands
i hear it, through day and night
a melancholic sweetness pouring consciousness
over a wistful soul.
dreams can only live as long as u sleep....snore on!
blue turtles, yellow whales and red gypsies;
they go round and round like teasing memories
belly dancing, hips shaking and eyes winking
at me
like they were mocking picking and clicking
their tongues
over my deplorable plight.
in this cocoon i sit
wounding and wounding in
an invisible shell
the head that comes out to see
you
happy and gay it moves left
and it moves right.
the cocoon dances
swaying itself from left to right!
Saturday, August 8, 2009
i think u know all humans....they r selfish. i mean everyone. but sometimes we do brand people selfless. really now.. how?! oh ya ya, these are the clever ones. super people i says. the shrewdness with which they put things across, u wouldnt suspect a thing. but thats even worse than being selfish aint it?!? tell me about it!
like i will tell u how. very supposedly smart people ok. they will come and share everything with u. full open heart only. and they will also tell u that u are the onlyy one and only only person they ever shared things with(after the cats, dogs,buffalos, hens, cows) see target will hit only once no? but they will try with everyone. and then u could also be dumb enough to fall for it! u will! i did! everyone does. then sometime later u will realise! oh what a fool. and u know the best thing you could do is to not do that to anyone else. otherwise what is the whole point of realising only?? ya forget the parts where u sang praises about them with a trumpet and early morning cock a doodle do sounds.
now u must be wondering what has this got to do with being selfish? it totally has! see they want sympathy, support and doll in self pity. now i am gonna say something thats gonna rouse ur fury! u were an easy target! ya we all were at times. and sometimes we were doers too. but mostly by fault, in vain, in stupidity. now thats one kind of selfishness where there is seeking all attention through this inverted method. not clear? keep thinking about it and the brain shall enlighten thee!
the other kind are a little better. they will just plainly admit it and not try godly antics. shit i love u people ya. see u want something means u want it. say it on the persons face. why use shortcuts and u turns and gallis?? if u are scared that the person will judge you then he isnt even important enough to be told anything. doesnt deserve it. so say it. say it bloody hell. dont try to make urself a superhuman ... you are doin it at the other's cost.
and you're only getting a temporary high cause eventually they will realise.. and no one will be a bigger dumb ass :) sorry for the baaady lang. i hope its clear now.
tatan!
Friday, August 7, 2009
along with the idea of romantic love, she was introduced to another-physical beauty. probably the most estructive ideas in the history of human thought. both originated in envy, thrived in insecurity, and ended in disillusion. in equating physical beauty with virtue, she stripped her mind, bound it, and collected self-contempt by the heap. she forgot lust and simple caring for. she regarded love as possessive mating, and romance as the goal of the spirit. it would be for her a well spring from which she would draw the most destructive emotions, deceiving the lover and seeking to imprison the beloved, curtailing freedom in every way.
toni morrisson
THE BLUEST EYE
toni morrisson
THE BLUEST EYE
Thursday, July 2, 2009
i dont know why i am writing this. or why, right now, i have to write this. it is totally random with absolutely no relevance to the situation. and having said all this, i am just justifying what i am going to write. and yes, it is a weakness.
this is for the two of you, the two who i love equally or perhaps so i'd like to think.
you are like the man straight out of my precise calculations. perfectly articulated and delivered like a flawless painting by god. and i bought it. enjoyed it. cherished the beauty. the perfectness. what else was left to fall in place? the realisation.
the bloody realisation that it was not right. that the perfection was the greatest imperfection.
and then u came. in the midst of all the turmoil, the pain and the grief. you felt god sent too. full of imperfections and completely human. sinful, confused and still a joy. an unexplainable, indescribably happiness of your sheer existance with no expectation. u said what u had to. more importantly u said what i wanted to hear. at most times. i wouldn't criticise you, question or doubt you. ever. acceptance of what you are comes easily; the shortcomings, the negatives i thought i could never accept in a person. you are all that and much more.
your memory is enough...
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Its called the devil's possession.
She thought she was growing up, but now she was questioning it. She was facing it, facing those situations that had oft been part of her adoloscent dreams, those dreams that seemed like a distant reality. It was finally there now, right before her. Everyday they were staring at her, hard and strong. Everybody said "this is life". How could something as personal as life be generalised? No one had the right to define it, let alone advice her.
What she did, how she did, the way she expressed was her own individual choice. If she felt jealous, it didn't mean she had to grow up. If she felt possessive, it was her nature. Aren't people made different? If she wants to kill she will, if she wants to ruin, she will... If she wants to have her way she will.
Who can afterall define right and wrong? A million times, each time there is no conclusion, no answer, and more questions.
What she did, how she did, the way she expressed was her own individual choice. If she felt jealous, it didn't mean she had to grow up. If she felt possessive, it was her nature. Aren't people made different? If she wants to kill she will, if she wants to ruin, she will... If she wants to have her way she will.
Who can afterall define right and wrong? A million times, each time there is no conclusion, no answer, and more questions.
Friday, March 13, 2009
i cant remember the last time i felt about something deeply, deep enough to affect me, deep enough to write. somehow i think i have lost the extremities of my emotions. or, now perhaps my confidants are different. it is indeed ironical that most recently i have seen, felt more than i ever have. i have lived someone else's life. this someone is a stranger, relative to me.
the greatest battles fought were the one's in my own mind. the external fctors...i've realised..have been rather trivial. but the feeling of helplessness there cannot be underrated... but the very fact that i have not written shows that i was happy..content. cause i have got everything i wanted in the last few months. and im waiting for some change to take over. maybe...just maybe....
the greatest battles fought were the one's in my own mind. the external fctors...i've realised..have been rather trivial. but the feeling of helplessness there cannot be underrated... but the very fact that i have not written shows that i was happy..content. cause i have got everything i wanted in the last few months. and im waiting for some change to take over. maybe...just maybe....
Friday, February 6, 2009
it is surprising how a tune induces emotions in you. it reminds of things you want to forget, memories you want to erase and the realities you want to ignore. but it reminds you. ironical, very. it makes you open the curtains and look out of the window, scarce sunlight falling on your face. it makes you want to talk to someone you havent in a really long time.
sometimes it makes you forget everything. when times are low, and when everything is a nightmare it transports you into shores of a different world.
perhaps music has the greatest impact on the human mind, if you're willing to let it.
sometimes it makes you forget everything. when times are low, and when everything is a nightmare it transports you into shores of a different world.
perhaps music has the greatest impact on the human mind, if you're willing to let it.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Morning Dusk
The world gone astray
Complete with denials
Anger and misgivings.
Day’s struggle and nights relent
Yet, miserly seems change.
Full of angst, I look at thee
Unable to move
To my vision alone-Ring of fire,
Rising flames that never cease
For me to cross over.
Our lands were consecrated,
but perhaps not we.
The hate has gone beyond-
overpowering love of
two lonely cowards.
The Gods all one.
Fanatics,
Powerful as Him
To only sin
In the defense of Name.
To what liberty, I rise must,
succumbing to a commune
all the universe a paradox,
Hypocritical and in contempt.
To different faiths born
we, led to,
a soul- now tattered and bruised.
Birth seems the only unfelt
guilt,
helpless.
Destitute- rendered by beliefs,
I am-
chained in holy confines.
Agony of chastity,
be undone in a kiss of euthanasia.
The shores of death seem comforting,
sands of life, numbing
hope, only in the unknown,
I am leaving, this poisoned ground.
To peace, tranquility
And above all prejudice free
Equality.
Forgive me.
Complete with denials
Anger and misgivings.
Day’s struggle and nights relent
Yet, miserly seems change.
Full of angst, I look at thee
Unable to move
To my vision alone-Ring of fire,
Rising flames that never cease
For me to cross over.
Our lands were consecrated,
but perhaps not we.
The hate has gone beyond-
overpowering love of
two lonely cowards.
The Gods all one.
Fanatics,
Powerful as Him
To only sin
In the defense of Name.
To what liberty, I rise must,
succumbing to a commune
all the universe a paradox,
Hypocritical and in contempt.
To different faiths born
we, led to,
a soul- now tattered and bruised.
Birth seems the only unfelt
guilt,
helpless.
Destitute- rendered by beliefs,
I am-
chained in holy confines.
Agony of chastity,
be undone in a kiss of euthanasia.
The shores of death seem comforting,
sands of life, numbing
hope, only in the unknown,
I am leaving, this poisoned ground.
To peace, tranquility
And above all prejudice free
Equality.
Forgive me.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Of engineering, boys and more!
No offence meant to this profession, its people; this is a complete personal point of view.
Coming from a broad minded family, whose idea of intelligence went beyond the realm of commercial sciences, i had somehow always despised the idea of a degree in engineering or medicine. I appreciate and look upto people who do well, in these fields, but more often than not they seem to be victims of a lack of choice. A kind of conditioning and brain storming for a long long time is obviously going to prove worthwhile. Courtesy- parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents and the list goes on. For a country that holds comparable credibility in the sciences, humanities and commerce the situation at the lower levels of the academic ladder seems ridiculously weird and rather bereaved. The national engineering colleges in India (forgive me for not specifically mentioning the much hyped three letter institute) are undoubtedly highly competitive and easily one of the best in the world, though the rankings may say otherwise. It is not about the faculty, infrastructure, facilities but merely the class of students that these institutions admit each year . The merit here has to be given to the gruelling and heated examination standard. Yes, people go through it and the lucky ones make it to the best, the not so lucky ones to the next best and the rest survive on third degree support. The hard, tough story ends here if one were to agree with the general perception. Its from here that I would like to contemplate ontheir deceivingly uneventful lives.
To be the best is a great feeling, but to be among the best can be a sudden pull into reality introspection and a whole lot of questioning. Especially since at this point of time we have egos at their heights and easy to throw around attitudes. But guys have got the flair, much to our envy, to tackle everything in those typical buoyant spirits. So the initial suffocation gives way to the pleasures of hostel life, new found freedom, the zillion activities zooming around the campus, clubs, sports....... Tucked away mostly in plush green small hilly regions, the weather being a boon, it all is definitely picture perfect, except for a major deficiency- G.I.R.L.S. Sadly the national institutes do not offer the finest of the female species. And most of the girls would agree too. Living in cities, with the smart asses away in village getaways, its nightmarish to feel insecure about the village lasses. No wonder engi guys are called desperate, maybe its justified considering the four years of almost isolation from good sights!
But technology has a solution for that too! Begin the numerous long distance romances, initially awkward phone conversations that last hours into the night, the pressure of having that someone, desperately managing phone bills, the eventual explanations, the anxiety, the happy moments. Unlucky break ups, heart aches, sensitive ones landing into forbidden territories to vent. This is that bad patch, when academics take a back seat, falling GPAs and never ending despair. It is also funny to see them getting into deep philosophy poetry and the likes. While the blogs were filled with electronics, gadgets and metaphysics, they now are overloaded with the musings of unlucky in love posts and defeated souls.But hardly makes a difference cause there is always an easy entry for another to make way into life! And the cycle is complete. And it must be fun to hear a group of guys bitching about this heartless girl. NO life long impacts though.
Its back to batman, superman and action after this phase. Zapak gaming, PS2s, basketball are such wonderful healers aren't they? Caught up in their own worlds with assignments, end sems and the added pressures of placements and higher studies time flies. And they are done!
BTW i like these engi guys. In the national ones. They are cutely dumb, smart and intelligent, popular! They are also happy and secure apart from their rare screw ups. They hav FUN and do not do long term thinking which is the best way to prepare for the future. Of course there are exceptions anywhere and im also not generalising. This opinion is based on just the feel.
Im setting aside all my ego to say this, for what you people go through your attitude amazes me. Sometimes i think you form the backbone of our country.
Keep rocking!
Coming from a broad minded family, whose idea of intelligence went beyond the realm of commercial sciences, i had somehow always despised the idea of a degree in engineering or medicine. I appreciate and look upto people who do well, in these fields, but more often than not they seem to be victims of a lack of choice. A kind of conditioning and brain storming for a long long time is obviously going to prove worthwhile. Courtesy- parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents and the list goes on. For a country that holds comparable credibility in the sciences, humanities and commerce the situation at the lower levels of the academic ladder seems ridiculously weird and rather bereaved. The national engineering colleges in India (forgive me for not specifically mentioning the much hyped three letter institute) are undoubtedly highly competitive and easily one of the best in the world, though the rankings may say otherwise. It is not about the faculty, infrastructure, facilities but merely the class of students that these institutions admit each year . The merit here has to be given to the gruelling and heated examination standard. Yes, people go through it and the lucky ones make it to the best, the not so lucky ones to the next best and the rest survive on third degree support. The hard, tough story ends here if one were to agree with the general perception. Its from here that I would like to contemplate ontheir deceivingly uneventful lives.
To be the best is a great feeling, but to be among the best can be a sudden pull into reality introspection and a whole lot of questioning. Especially since at this point of time we have egos at their heights and easy to throw around attitudes. But guys have got the flair, much to our envy, to tackle everything in those typical buoyant spirits. So the initial suffocation gives way to the pleasures of hostel life, new found freedom, the zillion activities zooming around the campus, clubs, sports....... Tucked away mostly in plush green small hilly regions, the weather being a boon, it all is definitely picture perfect, except for a major deficiency- G.I.R.L.S. Sadly the national institutes do not offer the finest of the female species. And most of the girls would agree too. Living in cities, with the smart asses away in village getaways, its nightmarish to feel insecure about the village lasses. No wonder engi guys are called desperate, maybe its justified considering the four years of almost isolation from good sights!
But technology has a solution for that too! Begin the numerous long distance romances, initially awkward phone conversations that last hours into the night, the pressure of having that someone, desperately managing phone bills, the eventual explanations, the anxiety, the happy moments. Unlucky break ups, heart aches, sensitive ones landing into forbidden territories to vent. This is that bad patch, when academics take a back seat, falling GPAs and never ending despair. It is also funny to see them getting into deep philosophy poetry and the likes. While the blogs were filled with electronics, gadgets and metaphysics, they now are overloaded with the musings of unlucky in love posts and defeated souls.But hardly makes a difference cause there is always an easy entry for another to make way into life! And the cycle is complete. And it must be fun to hear a group of guys bitching about this heartless girl. NO life long impacts though.
Its back to batman, superman and action after this phase. Zapak gaming, PS2s, basketball are such wonderful healers aren't they? Caught up in their own worlds with assignments, end sems and the added pressures of placements and higher studies time flies. And they are done!
BTW i like these engi guys. In the national ones. They are cutely dumb, smart and intelligent, popular! They are also happy and secure apart from their rare screw ups. They hav FUN and do not do long term thinking which is the best way to prepare for the future. Of course there are exceptions anywhere and im also not generalising. This opinion is based on just the feel.
Im setting aside all my ego to say this, for what you people go through your attitude amazes me. Sometimes i think you form the backbone of our country.
Keep rocking!
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