Snapshots

Of brazen nights that
formed tainted dreams
and smokes of lovers;
that gave a high to
juvenile paradise.

Of wilful rebellion,
comforting lust,
loss and moving worlds
of change, of reiteration
of conflict, contrast,
failure and belief.
Intuitions.

Of tamed fancies,
sunset place and delicate
conversations;
little fingers
snuggled.

Of soft whispers and
caressed touches. Smiles
of averted gaze and secret
tears
of locked pupils.
Of lips, desires,
longing.

Of wine and celebration,
loud cheer and song,
dancing merry, blessings
and love, with promise of
enduring intimacies.

Of years, months and days,
of counting hours and engaging
minutes, forgotten seconds.
Proud legacies and sad ruin.
Of toothless laughs and
aching joints.

Death;
memories,time, me.

Ranting ranting...Some serious ranting!

You know you're reaching that much publicised adulthood when your little doll fights have a far more serious consequence; you're obsessively thinking about it, wondering where you have gone wrong, what you have said wrong or if being yourself is simply not the way to be in a judgemental world. It is always more complicated than that one long sentence. If this made sense to you, then the rest definitively will.

There are some very characteristic features of this jack shit that will be an integral part of your life, starting soon, if not already there-
Relationships souring, grudges building and the difficult realisation that it will never be like before, unless you decide to live in a deceptively idealistic world.(thats a great choice though)
You know, you will never have that child like, naive view of situations or people.
Even if you do manage to forgive and forget, the lingering question is, will it be reciprocated?

Professional gets personal, groups and status factors become more important than personal equations.
Perception is clouded with influence and before you realise it, life is a big fat mess.

In retrospect, it is amazing how as kids, we hardly were ever ruled with this kind of an emotion. Sorries were an excuse to get back on track and have fun, sans the bitterness. Now, sorries are words of cordiality- to avoid uncomfortable, awkward situations in relationships. People let you down and you're always tied between your own ego and desperate attempts to make yourself feel that you actually have that large, soft, marshmallow kind of heart that everyone envies. The jealous mothers of friends, who took the liberty of complaining to your parents about your bullying exploits, or supposed "negative influence" on their children were simple image manifestations of the baddie cartoon characters. You learnt to be scared of them and never go beyond that threatening boundary line. But now, it directly impacts your sense of self. You see yourself from the world's curious, pricking,objective eyes and wonder how you turned out to be such a cruel thing! Dangling between two worlds, you are holding onto nostalgic childhood and dreading adulthood.