i dont know why i am writing this. or why, right now, i have to write this. it is totally random with absolutely no relevance to the situation. and having said all this, i am just justifying what i am going to write. and yes, it is a weakness.

this is for the two of you, the two who i love equally or perhaps so i'd like to think.

you are like the man straight out of my precise calculations. perfectly articulated and delivered like a flawless painting by god. and i bought it. enjoyed it. cherished the beauty. the perfectness. what else was left to fall in place? the realisation.

the bloody realisation that it was not right. that the perfection was the greatest imperfection.

and then u came. in the midst of all the turmoil, the pain and the grief. you felt god sent too. full of imperfections and completely human. sinful, confused and still a joy. an unexplainable, indescribably happiness of your sheer existance with no expectation. u said what u had to. more importantly u said what i wanted to hear. at most times. i wouldn't criticise you, question or doubt you. ever. acceptance of what you are comes easily; the shortcomings, the negatives i thought i could never accept in a person. you are all that and much more.

your memory is enough...

Its called the devil's possession.

She thought she was growing up, but now she was questioning it. She was facing it, facing those situations that had oft been part of her adoloscent dreams, those dreams that seemed like a distant reality. It was finally there now, right before her. Everyday they were staring at her, hard and strong. Everybody said "this is life". How could something as personal as life be generalised? No one had the right to define it, let alone advice her.

What she did, how she did, the way she expressed was her own individual choice. If she felt jealous, it didn't mean she had to grow up. If she felt possessive, it was her nature. Aren't people made different? If she wants to kill she will, if she wants to ruin, she will... If she wants to have her way she will.

Who can afterall define right and wrong? A million times, each time there is no conclusion, no answer, and more questions.

i cant remember the last time i felt about something deeply, deep enough to affect me, deep enough to write. somehow i think i have lost the extremities of my emotions. or, now perhaps my confidants are different. it is indeed ironical that most recently i have seen, felt more than i ever have. i have lived someone else's life. this someone is a stranger, relative to me.

the greatest battles fought were the one's in my own mind. the external fctors...i've realised..have been rather trivial. but the feeling of helplessness there cannot be underrated... but the very fact that i have not written shows that i was happy..content. cause i have got everything i wanted in the last few months. and im waiting for some change to take over. maybe...just maybe....

it is surprising how a tune induces emotions in you. it reminds of things you want to forget, memories you want to erase and the realities you want to ignore. but it reminds you. ironical, very. it makes you open the curtains and look out of the window, scarce sunlight falling on your face. it makes you want to talk to someone you havent in a really long time.
sometimes it makes you forget everything. when times are low, and when everything is a nightmare it transports you into shores of a different world.

perhaps music has the greatest impact on the human mind, if you're willing to let it.

Morning Dusk

The world gone astray
Complete with denials
Anger and misgivings.
Day’s struggle and nights relent
Yet, miserly seems change.
Full of angst, I look at thee
Unable to move
To my vision alone-Ring of fire,
Rising flames that never cease
For me to cross over.

Our lands were consecrated,
but perhaps not we.
The hate has gone beyond-
overpowering love of
two lonely cowards.

The Gods all one.
Fanatics,
Powerful as Him
To only sin
In the defense of Name.
To what liberty, I rise must,
succumbing to a commune
all the universe a paradox,
Hypocritical and in contempt.
To different faiths born
we, led to,
a soul- now tattered and bruised.
Birth seems the only unfelt
guilt,
helpless.

Destitute- rendered by beliefs,
I am-
chained in holy confines.
Agony of chastity,
be undone in a kiss of euthanasia.

The shores of death seem comforting,
sands of life, numbing
hope, only in the unknown,
I am leaving, this poisoned ground.
To peace, tranquility
And above all prejudice free
Equality.

Forgive me.

Of engineering, boys and more!

No offence meant to this profession, its people; this is a complete personal point of view.

Coming from a broad minded family, whose idea of intelligence went beyond the realm of commercial sciences, i had somehow always despised the idea of a degree in engineering or medicine. I appreciate and look upto people who do well, in these fields, but more often than not they seem to be victims of a lack of choice. A kind of conditioning and brain storming for a long long time is obviously going to prove worthwhile. Courtesy- parents, uncles, aunts, grandparents and the list goes on. For a country that holds comparable credibility in the sciences, humanities and commerce the situation at the lower levels of the academic ladder seems ridiculously weird and rather bereaved. The national engineering colleges in India (forgive me for not specifically mentioning the much hyped three letter institute) are undoubtedly highly competitive and easily one of the best in the world, though the rankings may say otherwise. It is not about the faculty, infrastructure, facilities but merely the class of students that these institutions admit each year . The merit here has to be given to the gruelling and heated examination standard. Yes, people go through it and the lucky ones make it to the best, the not so lucky ones to the next best and the rest survive on third degree support. The hard, tough story ends here if one were to agree with the general perception. Its from here that I would like to contemplate ontheir deceivingly uneventful lives.

To be the best is a great feeling, but to be among the best can be a sudden pull into reality introspection and a whole lot of questioning. Especially since at this point of time we have egos at their heights and easy to throw around attitudes. But guys have got the flair, much to our envy, to tackle everything in those typical buoyant spirits. So the initial suffocation gives way to the pleasures of hostel life, new found freedom, the zillion activities zooming around the campus, clubs, sports....... Tucked away mostly in plush green small hilly regions, the weather being a boon, it all is definitely picture perfect, except for a major deficiency- G.I.R.L.S. Sadly the national institutes do not offer the finest of the female species. And most of the girls would agree too. Living in cities, with the smart asses away in village getaways, its nightmarish to feel insecure about the village lasses. No wonder engi guys are called desperate, maybe its justified considering the four years of almost isolation from good sights!

But technology has a solution for that too! Begin the numerous long distance romances, initially awkward phone conversations that last hours into the night, the pressure of having that someone, desperately managing phone bills, the eventual explanations, the anxiety, the happy moments. Unlucky break ups, heart aches, sensitive ones landing into forbidden territories to vent. This is that bad patch, when academics take a back seat, falling GPAs and never ending despair. It is also funny to see them getting into deep philosophy poetry and the likes. While the blogs were filled with electronics, gadgets and metaphysics, they now are overloaded with the musings of unlucky in love posts and defeated souls.But hardly makes a difference cause there is always an easy entry for another to make way into life! And the cycle is complete. And it must be fun to hear a group of guys bitching about this heartless girl. NO life long impacts though.
Its back to batman, superman and action after this phase. Zapak gaming, PS2s, basketball are such wonderful healers aren't they? Caught up in their own worlds with assignments, end sems and the added pressures of placements and higher studies time flies. And they are done!

BTW i like these engi guys. In the national ones. They are cutely dumb, smart and intelligent, popular! They are also happy and secure apart from their rare screw ups. They hav FUN and do not do long term thinking which is the best way to prepare for the future. Of course there are exceptions anywhere and im also not generalising. This opinion is based on just the feel.
Im setting aside all my ego to say this, for what you people go through your attitude amazes me. Sometimes i think you form the backbone of our country.
Keep rocking!

Sad Ishhtories

When i was little, like a small girl, naive and unblemished, i had visions. Carefully tuned visions and careless unsupported ones- like dreams. I do not talk of that age, when the world wasn't beyond the confines of the door, garden and the ocassional distant gate. It was when i had learnt to define, look at people and make assumptions. Those assumptions that where a hope. When just a crush meant all the excitement, when exams were paramount, when holidays went beyond grime and sweat, when cousins meant no baggage, when fights were an excuse, when ambition meant achievement, when chocolates meant taste, when "back to school' felt new and everything meant just everything.

It has probably changed. All of it. Nothing feels the same any more. Expectations bring in disappointments, luck is shortlived and life goes on. You just learn to live with it. Piling up debts that become heavier, that you can't let go and that you can't live with.