Sad Ishhtories

When i was little, like a small girl, naive and unblemished, i had visions. Carefully tuned visions and careless unsupported ones- like dreams. I do not talk of that age, when the world wasn't beyond the confines of the door, garden and the ocassional distant gate. It was when i had learnt to define, look at people and make assumptions. Those assumptions that where a hope. When just a crush meant all the excitement, when exams were paramount, when holidays went beyond grime and sweat, when cousins meant no baggage, when fights were an excuse, when ambition meant achievement, when chocolates meant taste, when "back to school' felt new and everything meant just everything.

It has probably changed. All of it. Nothing feels the same any more. Expectations bring in disappointments, luck is shortlived and life goes on. You just learn to live with it. Piling up debts that become heavier, that you can't let go and that you can't live with.

.......

unfolding in flash,
the green, small pink and red
the mind scripting
like fever, a nervous warmth
pining for an unsaid touch,
fair skin and sympathetic smiles
looking for perfection,
a compulsive disease.
arrogance and love
compelled into one
tossing in turmoil
shame, guilt , filth
filling like compensation.

fairy god mother

here i come to you, my long lost love. i cannot keep away, flaming skies, murderous people and raging winds. through it all, i come back to you! :)

Final

For any blogger, feedback is very important. Whether positive or negative. thats what, atleast the general perception is. I believe so too. But sometimes it becomes a little difficult, especially when a blog is more on personal lines, personal experiences, thoughts, feelings and expressions. At most times readers may not relate to what you're trying convey and appreciation becomes a little difficult then. And the same applies to the style of writing, the structure, the vocabulary and maybe even the theme. It all is a reflection of emotions, and that cannot be justified. It doesn't have answers to why, what, how, whatever! This whole thing is pretty much contradictory. Now i have lost the strength to write. I do not find solace in words. They are orphaned. By the world and me. Cant help it if its hard hitting philosophy. Sounds real funny to me! So to all those who have asked me how, why, what............. I just want to say... NO MORE!

I hope this post was clear, precise, technically sound and all that superficial shit that accounts for a myth labelled - "good writing"

blah blah blah!

right now i am hyper ventilating! this is one of my favourite words cause it happens to me every other day! i hyperventilate when i don't get my usual glass of milk in the morning! and then its the god damned newspaper that makes me swear. especially on public holidays/ rainy days. it is my necessity for early morning uhhh you know what! so you see the whole thing is bloody well linked! i hope you didn't get that wrong- i only READ the paper. strictly the hot entertainment section. and then its those itsy bitsy things that make me run all over the place. aah but what comfort they provide (crooning away...) i never seem to have enough of them ya. :( and then begins the ritual. pulling out a million clothes from the perenially resembling a dumpyard kind of wardrobe (source of vocabulary- mom) yipppe! just when i find one i realise i have outgrown it. yet again! when will i find the perfect one?! shit im hyperventilating. what if i become obese? what if i cant eat chocolate ever again. ? what if i dont fit in through my door?
which reminds me that i am already clumsy enough. especially when im driving and lost in the bliss of my head phones. i fall into HUGE potholes and fly over those SPEED BRAKERS or is it breakers?! whatever, but now im getting paranoid! i have actually forgotten SPELLINGS?!
walking is an even bigger pain. since i could give the "quack" species a run for its originality. somehow i never seem to get my feet straight. it falls flat at 60 degrees. by the way i used to love drawing the angle in school. cause it was the easiest :) and i quack my way into class. wiping the sweat off my brow i realise the front part of my hair is beginning to get wild again. it is straight on one side of the partition and curls on the other. no amount of straightening or oiling or cutting puts it right. the scientist in me found the cause of the problem. GENES. from my dad. he has the same front one sided curl. suited him during his time at least. with that hero type fringe. now, NOW WHAT WILL I DO? what if that cute looking guy in the shop opposite finds it weird. what if i look like that 80 year old mami with excess oil in her hair. what if ..?!
suddenly realisation hits me. i have been obsessing about anything and everything since morning. just then some bitch in class has to remind me of her super kiss with her boyfriend last evening! with the extra add ons of mush and everything. which again gets me wondering! what if i never have a first kiss?! will i lose the urge! everyone i know has kissed. blame my bloody fate. just to let you know- i am not desperate and anyone trying to play smart will surely get a hot kiss. from the silencer of my bike.
and here comes the most irritating part of my day. its a nice lazy day and im dreaming away in a yacht with george clooney in hawaii(bliss) when some toxic smell makes me take a second look at clooney. whats he doing? oh its someone next to me in the desk. looks like she let go of the pressure and ripped one apart nicely. what ever does she eat?! people must be fined for farting in public. as compensation for the tremendous suffocation, discomfort and trauma caused for the beings around. and im hyperventilating now. literally. trying to give out co2 through my mouth. and there are people who make me mad, like my best friend for instance. predicts everything about my life. and it happens. but she isn't available when i desperately have to ask her something! urgently. my life would depend on her advice. my careless fate. she is busy... studying ,studying or doing some other crap work like listening to her parents who do not allow her to talk on the phone for more than five mins? the results come out. managed to pass and me- dumbstruck. you slog your ass off for this.? so much so that you couldn't talk to me for a week?! so she comes home after that to say sorry. and all that boiling suddenly stops. like if someone switched the gas off or something. and thats one thing i hate about myself.! so bad at keeping mum about my discontent. reminds me of those fizzy drinks. tastes like shit after the fizz dies.
thats my life story- part one.
oh and i also realised, i hyperventilate not every other day but every other hour of the day.

heelllooooo!

now now people! everybody seems to be getting upset with the kind of philosophic stuff i have been writing! just for all of you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me or my life! i am a bhery bhery happpii puuhrson! the next few months shall be dedicated to the so called "funny stuff"! :P

Have you lived...

suddenly out of the blue, something struck me real bad. a desire to show everyone how bad i can hit them. how, if i want to, i can change their beliefs, their thoughts or their definitions of right and wrong. so when i read "someone's" ideologies in life, which i don't know have stemmed from where- experience or belief or assumption i want to show her what it means. to have ideologies. i hope she reads this some day and thinks of herself. thinks of how, she breathlessly limped through that phase. how she struggled in vain and just how desperate she had been. how she just wanted to erase from her mind the events that happened. how she felt cheated and completely used.

for you this my dear i want to say, you deserve it. whatever you went through. cause you showed the world you were strong. you were strong enough to love and that in itself is an answer.
you let urself get washed in the big wave. but probably you thought you could tide over it. thats where you went wrong. you went wrong cause you believed whatever you faced on one side was the same story in the other. the world is made of different stories and looking at it from your small closed world is always innocence. you couldn't stop that wave, it overpowered you. and yet you couldn't take your revenge on it. you couldn't stop it. but do you remeber the excitement of getting drenched in that single wave? do you remember that momentary feeling of glee, of happiness? do you still think about how cold you had felt after that? and how nice? that is what you need to remember dear. not anything else. that wave showed you what life was and how helpless you could be in the reality of circumstances. but now it also shows that you can forget the wave, with slight bitterness. the bitterness remains cause when the better things come you will be enlightened. do not form conclusions or ideologies. cause they are limited to just a situation. your situation and in that case you're controlled more by emotion rather than logic. so i dont agree with notions that say you loved too much or you cared too much but didn't get it enough. you did that cause you wanted to do, cause it gave you pleasure, it gave you all that happiness. so why expect the same things in return? you felt trapped cause you assumed, expected and put yourself above everything. and as for the wave, dont find fault with it. it only gave you what you wanted.